The Texans are a Miserable Team

You cannot polish a turd. That is an irrefutable fact. So I’m not going to try and find a silver lining or sugarcoat things here. The Houston Texans are a miserable football team. They are the end result of an extra spicy beef and bean burrito. Monday night’s debacle was just another example of the slow motion train wreck that Texans fans are treated to every week.

Houston once again showed why they are quickly becoming the laughingstock of the NFL. First it was New England, then Minnesota, and now Denver. The Texans, a so-called NFL football team, would have a very difficult time matching up with Sister Mary’s School for the Blind. As I’ve said in the past, if this were the English Premier League, Houston would’ve been relegated long ago. They simply do not belong in the NFL.

Monday night, the Broncos outmuscled, outmanned, outsmarted, and outshined the Texans in every way. The end result was 27-9, but to the trained eye, the game was never really in question. Houston, buoyed by the sheer ineptitude of Brock Osweiler,  managed just 271 total yards. Osweiler threw for only 131 yards. His longest completion was 11 yards. He looked like a mouse in between two grizzly bears. Comical, sad, tragic.

The Texans kicked three measly field goals, two of which came in the first quarter. They turned the ball over twice, including an inexplicable fumble by Osweiler where the ball simply slipped out of his hand as he was throwing. It was probably the first time in the history of football that a quarterback has actually thrown a fumble. Mark Sanchez is giddy, because his “butt-fumble” is no  longer the most embarrassing quarterback act ever.

Osweiler and the offense were pathetic, but the defense is not without blame. Denver running backs C.J. Anderson and DeVontae Booker had their way all night long. The two big, bruising backs were offered wide open holes (that sounds bad) and weren’t seriously challenged until they got 4 or 5 yards down the field. Brian Cushing is running around like a 75-year old woman. I like Cushing, but he is a shadow of his former self. Vince Wilfork, who used to be big and fat and very athletic, is now just big and fat.

Houston allowed Trevor Siemian to carve them up. Trevor Siemian, ladies and gentlemen, the 250th overall pick in the 2015 draft. The guy who was so sure that he wasn’t going to be drafted that he had already lined up a real estate job. This is the guy who beat Houston on Monday. I have to tip my hat to John Elway, Gary Kubiak, and Wade Phillips. I have been a big doubter, but damn, these guys really know what they are doing.

Houston, on the other hand, is a case study in misery. Texans fans, myself included, were happy when they signed Brock Osweiler and Lamar Miller in the offseason. Miller has done an excellent job, he just hasn’t had great blocking. Osweiler has been terrible. Absolutely terrible. There is no way around it. He has thrown 8 interceptions. He is ranked at the very bottom in all of the important categories. He is stealing money.

I can’t make excuses for him anymore. I kept trying to tell myself that he will get better. I got excited for every game. But every game has been the same hot steaming pile of crap. Yes, they beat the Colts. But listen, the Colts are a bad bad team. The Colts defense is amongst the worst in the league, and Houston couldn’t move the ball against them for the majority of the game. So whatever happened in that game is an anomaly. When Houston goes to Indy, they will get demolished.

So Houston, here’s the reality of the situation. You have a $72 million dollar quarterback who sucks. You have a head coach who refuses to accept that the aforementioned qb sucks. You have a general manager in Rick Smith who only has a job because of J.J. Watt and DeAndre Hopkins.  He just got a contract extension. For what? He is stealing money, just like Osweiler.

This team  has zero depth. Zero. Oh, and D-Hop didn’t get paid, so he’s out the door after this season. And I hope he leaves. I hope he finds a team with a real quarterback and a real chance. He is way too talented for this shit. Yet Owner Bob McNair can go to sleep on a bed of $100 bills every night. Why? Because this is Texas, and football is king. And people want to believe that the Texans will be good.

Houston is 4-3, and the most ardent optimists will say, “Hey guys, we are 4-3, we are doing great!” Hahahahahahahah. That 4-3 is extremely misleading. Lets do an autopsy on that one. They beat Chicago. The Bears have won exactly 1 game this year. Texans beat the Chiefs. Kansas City has won 4 games, which sounds good. But they have beaten San Diego, NY Jets, Oakland, and New Orleans. So not that great.

Oh, but wait. Houston beat Tennessee and Indianapolis. Hahahahahhahah. Who cares? Really, who cares? These teams are trash just like Houston. And if weren’t for a Will Fuller punt return and an Osweiler miracle, they would’ve lost both of those games. Houston is a terrible football team. They still have to play Oakland and Cincinnati in prime time. They will lose in a horrible fashion.

They also have to go to Lambeau Field and face the Packers. Thankfully, this isn’t a prime time game, because the Texans will get mutilated. As you can probably tell, I have zero faith in this team. I think Rick Smith and Bill O’Brien should be fired. Most people who are this bad at their jobs have been fired already. I think Osweiler should go back to Montana and be a fly-fishing guide. Hell, I’d like to hang out with the guy. He seems like a really nice guy, but, he is not a good quarterback. I’m done.



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