The Joys of Fantasy Football

We are only in week four, and already many fantasy owners across the country are banging their head against the wall as they assess their pathetic excuse for a roster. Gone are the heady post-draft days when you sat back, cackled evilly, admired your dream team, and decided just how you would spend all of your victory money. This year would be your year!

Alas, that euphoric state of nirvana now seems like it happened when T-Rex ruled the Earth. After just three weeks, fantasy football has reduced you to a sniveling shell of a human being. Your mood wavers between agitation, abysmal despair, and sheer lunacy. Your significant other has locked you in the basement, and your dogs no longer wag their tail in your presence.

Now you are curled up in the fetal position, whimpering pitifully as you see three of your players are already on injured reserve, three others have lost their starting jobs, and the remaining few are either stuck in a timeshare running back situation, or are game time decisions every week. Your guys are breaking down like sand castles in the rain. Oh how you long for the days when fantasy football wasn’t invented and you could actually enjoy watching games every Sunday.

You are 0-3 and desperation is setting in. You spend hours combing the waiver wire hoping to outsmart everyone by finding that one deep sleeper who will certainly make all the difference. You make a bid for him. You get him!! Ha, now you can’t possibly lose. But wait, there’s a slight problem. That sure thing deep sleeper never seems to wake up! He’s like a grizzly bear in the winter. Oh the humanity! Such are the joys of fantasy football.

Fantasy football is excruciatingly frustrating. We fancy ourselves amateur general managers as we build a team from the ground up. We acquire players through trades and off the waiver wire. We set the “perfect” lineup every week. On Sundays we nervously follow each player as we pray for yards and touchdowns. We anxiously hope for first and goal situations where our running backs will certainly be the beneficiaries. We look for our point totals to go up, when in reality the only thing going up is that empty beer can pyramid next to us.

And after it’s all said and done, and the roller coaster of emotions has come to a screeching halt, we see that our “superteam” has fallen by a mere 50 pts. So we curl up again into our favorite fetal position. We ask our mothers for chicken soup as we whimper pitifully for several hours. Then we hesitantly open our fantasy app to check the waiver wire. The vicious cycle begins anew. Because there just has to be a deep sleeper out there that will get us a victory. There just has to be!

Header image based on “Fantasy Football Hell” by Dave Parker (CC BY-2.0)


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